Is Insuperable Fear Holding You Back?
I see so many people struggle with the same barriers. Deep down we have this lingering uncertainty about whether we are good enough.
In our relationships, in our jobs, good enough to achieve our wildest dreams, good enough to take that dreaded step forward and start a business, good enough as parents.
Despite the uncertainty we are trying the very best we can with what we have. No matter the level of insecurity or inadequacy you feel, a part of you knows somewhere inside, greatness lies.
You know you can do more, have more, be more. Yet, something is holding you back? What is this barrier that stops you from progressing? That keeps you feeling stuck? The short answer…
Fear
We all feel fear in some way, shape or form. Fear of being alone, a job interview, ageing, travelling, intimacy, changing careers, loosing a loved one, making a mistake. Fear is the insidious monster, that if we allow it to take over us, grows and permeates into other areas of life.
There is a practical solution that will hopefully help you banish those sinister emotions you have towards achieving want you want. That solution is simple: feel the fear and do it anyway… and it was a popular book written by Susan Jeffers.
First, let’ define the two worlds of fear we can live in.
We have two worlds of energy, the inner world of energy and the outer world of energy. If that sounds bit too ‘woo woo’ for you, explained another way: you have fears that come from external situations e.g. ending or beginning a relationship, illness, driving, flying. Then you have fears that are present within your inner states such as rejection, self-image, failure, disapproval, success, vulnerability.
Interestingly, babies are only born with two fears: the fear of loud noises and the fear of being dropped. All other fears are learned fears.
What are you afraid of and why?
That’s a good question. The why I believe pertains to the little trust we appear to have in ourselves. The embedded belief that we’re not good enough and we can’t handle what life throws at us or we can’t handle what we want to go after.
Jeffers was asked as to why people have an instinctual lack of trust in themselves, and she explains that part of it can be blamed on our conditioning:
In all my life I have never heard a mother call out to her child as he or she goes off to school, “Take a lot of risks today, darling.” She is more likely to convey to her child, “Be careful, darling.” and this carries with it a double message: “The world is really dangerous out there” . . . and . . . ”you won’t be able to handle it.” What Mom is really saying, of course, is, “If something happens to you, I won’t be able to handle it.” You see, she is only passing on her lack of trust in her ability to handle what comes her way. I can remember wanting desperately to have a two-wheel bicycle and my mother’s refusal to buy me one. Her answer to my please was always the same: “I love you too much. I don’t want anything to happen to you.” I translated this to mean: “You are not competent enough to handle a two-wheel bike.” Having become older and wiser, I realize now that she was really saying: “If anything happens to you, I will fall apart.” This overprotective mother of mine was once in intensive care after serious surgery, with tubes down her nose and her throat. When I was told it was time for me to leave, I whispered in her ear — not knowing if she could hear me — that I loved her and would be back later. As I was walking toward the door, I heard a small, weak voice behind me saying — you guessed it — “Be careful.” Even in her anesthetic stupor, she was sending me admonitions of doom and gloom. And I know she typifies the great percentage of mothers out there. Considering how many “be carefuls” our parents bombarded us with, it is amazing that we even manage to walk out the front door!
Where do our parents, and our parents parents get this fear or distrust in the world from? Neuroscience has taught us that fear has been passed down to us from our ancestors, who for thousands of years were on the constant lookout for anything that might eat them.
In the wild they had to scan their environment using sights, smells, or sounds, and if something flickered in the distance and they weren’t attentive, they become a snack.
Thanks to Charles Darwin’s concept of natural selection, we understand that favorable traits are needed and populated for the next generations to ensure our species survival. For thousands of years, this attentiveness to our environment was imperative, so we developed a physiological reaction known as ‘fight or flight’.
This reaction is located in a region of our brains known as the amygdala, also known as the reptilian brain, and exists in animals and reptiles. After some complicated electrical impulses in your sympathetic nervous system, parasympathetic nervous system and autonomic nervous system, the ‘fight or flight’ response is activated signaling a threat in your environment.
We don’t like the unfamiliar or the uncomfortable because lurking behind the unknown might be a dangerous beast. A beast morphed into the feeling of rejection, doubt, loneliness or love lost.
It takes courage to mold your life the way you want it to be. There are all sorts of tools and obstacles that help you or get in the way. I wrote about that here. Ultimately, your fear comes down various lies, one of them being the idea that you can’t handle what comes your way. That your not smart enough, skillful enough, attractive enough, fast enough.
Fear will never go away
Each time you decide you want to grow you’ll feel fear. Until you have mastered your craft or made whatever you're doing comfortable to handle, fear will be presented in dynamically challenging way. That is the nature of the beast. Don’t let that deter you. It’s not easy facing fear but you can deal with any situation. Eventually, fear will subside and you’ll develop the tools and skills required to handle that situation autonomously.
Get rid of fear by doing something about it
Avoid playing the when/then game. When I feel like it I’ll go out and face that challenging situation. Too many people play this game. Until you actually immerse yourself into it, make an attempt to solve the task at hand, you’ll never experience the feel good factor of accomplishment. As Jeffers says “the doing comes before the feeling”.
Don’t wait for the right time. Just go out and do it. Understand that when one journey is completed, and fear yields, another one begins and fear returns. Joseph Campbell called this the hero’s journey
Trust yourself and trust your ability to handle whatever comes your way. Slay the dragon and you’ll be rewarded with the hidden treasure.
Guts over fear.
